But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility... Eph. 2:13-14

Tuesday, November 28

Asking Forgiveness from an Almost-2-Year-Old

I’m going to try to be very candid with you in this moment.

Parenting two toddlers is not easy work for a sinner like me. It occurred to me tonight that maybe there’s a reason they call it “the terrible twos”, and I realized that we are days away from diving into another year of two (which basically means we’re in it, since so far my kids don’t wait to act their age).

These lives are precious and beautiful and amazing. I have two little humans running around learning how to process a million new things every day. Today they might feel sad about something that they never noticed before in their lives, and have no idea why. Tomorrow they will discover that they can get what they want by force if their opponent is small enough, and have no remorse whatsoever if they leave the other child in tears.

There are days that I feel so on top of this. I connect with my kids. I explain things so well. I discipline lovingly and consistently. I parent like my Heavenly Father parents me.
Okay... actually no. I don’t think I’ve had a single set of 24 hours where that has been the case in my entire 3 years of parenting. I have maybe afternoons or mornings or (most rarely) evenings like that, but I’m not sure I can claim to have whole days like that.

And today, for absolute certain, was not like that.

Because he wouldn’t LISTEN, and he wouldn’t OBEY even once, and nothing I said or did no matter how sweet or angry seemed to make ANY impression on him whatsoever!!!! grrrr

There once were some sheep
Safe on the farm
But one little lamb got loose.
The shepherd went out
And carried him home.
And that little lamb... was you.

And I love you today.
I love you tomorrow.
I love you as deep as the sea.
I love you in joy.
And I love you in sorrow.
You can always come home to me.

Singing to the kids tonight, I was pummeled by some serious conviction. I started out thinking how sad I was that some days my kids just seem determined to do anything but be happy, safe, and respond to my love.

But when I got to this line, I realized that I did not go out into the wilderness to find the heart of my son today. I stood on my back porch screaming out his name and demanding that he come home to me. I did not parent him like my Heavenly Father has parented me. I did not forgive his small debt when I have been forgiven so much more.

Of course he needed training, correction, and discipline. But not from the heart that dealt it out.

I broke down crying as I finished the chorus, and in the dark William asked, “Mommy... get spanking?” And I told him that yes, God had given me a spanking on my heart because I had sinned. And I told my precious children that I had sinned by getting angry at them. That I had done just what I try to teach them not to do by reacting out of anger instead of calming myself down and communicating. I asked them to forgive me, and prayed with them.

And I was scared. Because even though I remember quite clearly that some of the strongest positive impressions growing up for me were when my parents apologized and I got to see first hand what that looked like, it’s hard asking a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old for forgiveness, and hoping that they will still understand that you’re in charge.

God was merciful, though. It was a beautiful moment. They’re so young, but tonight I think they understood more than I ever would have given them credit for.

As a shepherdess of little souls I have so much to learn from the Good Shepherd.

But the good news is that He is more patient with His sheep and more kind to His children than I have ever been. This is holy work, and my High Priest will not leave me unattended in it. Christ is the Lord! Oh praise His Name forever! His power and glory evermore proclaim.

Monday, October 30

When your status gets out of control and you remember why you have a blog:

You know something that really encourages me? The fact that troubles in life prepare you for troubles in the future. Seems kind of silly to me. 

But tonight, as I tucked in my Fever Princess and felt that her little body is definitely warmer than normal, and turned on the humidifier for the third night in a row for Prince Respiratory, I realized that the calm I was expressing to them wasn’t masking a deep dread like it has so many times in the past. After almost 3 years of learning how to battle crazy fevers, and almost 2 years of learning how to use a humidifier, I have a slight idea of what to expect from sickness, and a much more definite idea of where the “okay now you can start feeling nervous” line is.

That is a real encouragement to me, because 1. I feel like I’m learning as a mother, which is always good, and 2. I can see how those sleepless nights have not been wasted.
One of my favorite characteristics of my Lord is that He never wastes anything. He makes everything beautiful in its time, and ALL things work together for good for His children.
My life has been good (especially compared to many), but there have been some very rough seasons. Moments like tonight are a sweet reassurance. Like my Father saying, “Yes, you can trust Me for a good ending. See how I have already programmed your brain to use what is bad and hard for good? How much more do you think I’ve prepared the whole universe to use the bad for good?”
And how much more so, since my bad experiences help me in other bad experiences, but in the end every bad experience will be used for a time when bad ceases to exist?!

Also, on a totally different note, how weird is it that my kids’ bodies fight the same virus/bacteria in completely different, yet consistent ways? Mary ALWAYS gets a fever (and it usually gets pretty high), and William ALWAYS gets a cough or heavy congestion. Mary will have a tiny bit of a cough, and William a tiny fever, but invariably they have their favorites and stick to them. So weird, but kind of convenient, I guess?

Saturday, June 17

St. Louis Wishlist

This is silly, but here we go!

We're going to be visiting St. Louis for a short time soon (YAY!!!), and I keep forgetting to write down the things I want to do while we're there. So I thought, hey, why not just make a public list of every wish that comes to mind?

Like I said, silly.

In no particular order, with no expectation of doing most of them:

• Go to the Zoo
• Eat toasted ravioli
• Hike at Pickle Springs
• See Wonder Woman with Mom and have that Wonder Woman ice cream from Coldstone
• Get a brownie from Pint-Sized Bakery
• See the Arch/Renovated Riverfront
• Go to the Drive-In
• Visit Little Mexico on Cherokee Street to see what it feels like to visit now
• Go Contra Dancing a the Monday Club
• See a show at The Muny
• Roast hotdogs and make s'mores with loved ones
• Go to a Cardinal's baseball game
• Get St. Louis merch, because we're tourists now!
• Get some Pappy's BBQ