Thoughts of my heart (or at least those that I'm willing to share)

Hello, again! Today in church, my pastor was speaking and he said something along the lines of: We have something in heaven which is worth giving up everything else for. Alright, I know that it wasn't exactly like that, and that I'm changing a lot of words, but that's the thought that stuck in my mind. I kept thinking of End of the Spear and of Nate Saint dying with the spear sticking out of his abdomen. And I was thinking of a quote from the movie (and I'm supposing from Mr. Saint himself): we don't kill them, they're not ready to go to heaven, but we are. Once again, this is an extreme paraphrase. I'm ready to go, and so I should be ready to give up all for Christ. Strange as it seems, I think that if I were called upon to do so, I could and would. I know that I could, because I would be given the strength to, and I would, because, well, I wouldn't really have a choice. Still, I think that I would do so willingly. Or at least I hope I would. I have just been given this confidence that God's strength is sufficient for me. That I really can lean on Him for all that I need, that I don't have to do anything. It is so easy to think these thoughts and to write these words, yet I cannot begin to say how difficult it is to actually live them.
My Sunday School teacher's wife is going through a lot right now, so if anyone reads this blog, then would you please pray for them? Also, a friend of my grandmother's is having heart surgery tomorrow, if you could keep her in prayer as well.
I hope that someone gets online so that I can email them. I love writing on my blog and all, but it's nice to have a conversation with friends via email, since you get to have replies and stuff. Also, I enjoy knowing that people actually read my emails, whereas I'm not so sure about the blog.
Sometimes it's so hard to keep my heart captive, especially around Valentine's Day. I know that some people must think that I don't ever like anyone because I'm into courtship, but it's not true. I struggle just as much as the next girl, maybe more, considering that I have to work hard to keep my mind and heart pure for my future husband (if the Lord brings me one). It may seem strange, but the main way I keep from giving my heart away is by making a mental list of standards and comparing the person to them, begining with their spiritual life and ending somewhere around their love of sports or their grammar or something like that. Usually I'm done before I get that far, but you get the picture. Really, I think that I'm the luckiest (or should I say 'most blessed') girl on earth, because of my wonderful parents. Every night Dad gives me the "Good-night Kiss" which goes like this:

Dad: "I love you."

Me: "Love you, too."

Dad: "And remember:"

Me: "Daddy always loves me."

Dad: "And the Icky Boys?"

Me: "They don't love me."

Dad: "Who do they love?"

Me: "Themselves."

Dad: "And?"

Me: "Their cars."

Dad: "That's right. So, nighty-night, sleepy-tight, don't let the land-sharks bite."

Me: "Alright."

Dad: "What does that mean?"

Me: "Keep your toes covered."

Dad: "Why?"

Me: "Because they think they're meat grapes."

(I'd rather not explain)

And then, of course, I have my wonderful mother. She is the best. I mean, she really is. It's really easy to talk to her and get her advice and recieve her wisdom. Without her, I would be a nightmare. Thank God for my parents!

Not so droll, and hopefully not a digression

Today I went with my mother to see End of the Spear. I will be honest, I cried, a lot. It was a very good movie. I am now certain that I should go back to Mexico. I want others to be saved. I especially want those around me to know the peace and joy that I know. I've been reading When I don't Desire God: how to fight for joy by John Piper with mom. In chapter two, he talks about how Desire and Delight are inseperable. You can only delight in something if you desire it. And you can only desire it if you have had some taste of it before. And the only way to have this taste is for God to give it to you. So on the one hand, this makes my job easy. There is nothing that I have to do to make Christianity look good; nothing that I can do. And yet, this means that there is no way for me to give them a taste, even the smallest drop of the amazing, satisfying joy of belonging to God. All that I can do is tell them, hoping that I am planting seeds or watering them, and pray. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Yet if it is so simple, why don't I do it? Why do I at times not feel satisfied with Christ? The answer is simple, I am a sinner. Thank God for His grace! When I fall, and I do fall, which I'm sure is painfully obvious, and if it isn't then it should be, He still forgives me, still takes me back. Every day, seemingly every second, though, thank God, this is not true. But still, every day I fail, I sin, I am unsatisfied. Who am I to tell the world of joy so wonderful that nothing else could come close to it, when I don't live it? But I can tell them about Grace. Grace is all that I can live on, the only thing that keeps me from despair. I do not have an excuse. But I am so afraid, so afraid that I will offend those around me. Why? What could they do to me? Impale me with a spear? Of course not! And yet a simple frown will scare me off. And then, at times that isn't true. There are some things that I cannot help but say. I just wish that I could say them with more confidence.