But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility... Eph. 2:13-14

Saturday, January 28

Not so droll, and hopefully not a digression

Today I went with my mother to see End of the Spear. I will be honest, I cried, a lot. It was a very good movie. I am now certain that I should go back to Mexico. I want others to be saved. I especially want those around me to know the peace and joy that I know. I've been reading When I don't Desire God: how to fight for joy by John Piper with mom. In chapter two, he talks about how Desire and Delight are inseperable. You can only delight in something if you desire it. And you can only desire it if you have had some taste of it before. And the only way to have this taste is for God to give it to you. So on the one hand, this makes my job easy. There is nothing that I have to do to make Christianity look good; nothing that I can do. And yet, this means that there is no way for me to give them a taste, even the smallest drop of the amazing, satisfying joy of belonging to God. All that I can do is tell them, hoping that I am planting seeds or watering them, and pray. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Yet if it is so simple, why don't I do it? Why do I at times not feel satisfied with Christ? The answer is simple, I am a sinner. Thank God for His grace! When I fall, and I do fall, which I'm sure is painfully obvious, and if it isn't then it should be, He still forgives me, still takes me back. Every day, seemingly every second, though, thank God, this is not true. But still, every day I fail, I sin, I am unsatisfied. Who am I to tell the world of joy so wonderful that nothing else could come close to it, when I don't live it? But I can tell them about Grace. Grace is all that I can live on, the only thing that keeps me from despair. I do not have an excuse. But I am so afraid, so afraid that I will offend those around me. Why? What could they do to me? Impale me with a spear? Of course not! And yet a simple frown will scare me off. And then, at times that isn't true. There are some things that I cannot help but say. I just wish that I could say them with more confidence.

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