'Twas the night before Wycliffe, and deep in the house,
Sarah was shaking like a timid little mouse.
This moment is so very much different than I expected it to be. Back in February, when I signed up for TOTAL, all I wanted was direction and a husband. Actually, I would've just taken the husband. When the Lord promised me that June would hold some answers, I was ecstatic! All of my worries were blown away with one word: June! Not sure if I should invest in a car? Oh Lord, hasten June! Not sure if I should get a job? Oh Lord, hasten June! Struggling to keep my heart captive? Oh Lord, PLEASE hasten June!
At some point in the Spring, I think I really did have this idea that on June first Dad was going to say, "Sarah, I just had a very interesting conversation with [insert name of some godly young man that I'd probably meet before June here]..." And maybe, just maybe, that [scottish?] young man [who lived in California?] would want to translate Bibles! Yeah! In June, everything I wanted would come to be. With fireworks and a parade.
Instead, I find myself five days into June (which is miserably hot and full of cicadas) scared to death. And single. And fat due to gluttony. But amazing things have happened in the past four months.
One of the most amazing of which (I believe) is that I am content to be single! I noticed it the other day, and I'm honestly afraid to think about it much at all. I'm afraid I'll wake up from this blissful dream. I'm not struggling to keep my heart captive, and I don't feel lonely! I'm content, and I pray that I will stay that way until I meet my husband. To see this growth is, to me, worth ten times the wait.
Another is that I'm not really worried about the future. I'm afraid of what I may encounter in that future, but I'm not worried about how I will get there. Whatever I find-pain, sadness, comfort, joy-will all be part of one great story. I trust the Author, so why worry? "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
I am such a fool, though. Seriously, I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up God's sovereign plan. My head knows that that is impossible, but I still feel afraid. What if I think God's not calling me to Wycliffe only because I chicken out? What if I go that route only because I don't know of anything else to do, but that's not what God has planned for my life and it all ends in tears and misery?
These are the thoughts of a fool, and it's a fool who lets them into her brain. Typing them out has helped me, however. Tell me, Timid Heart, do you honestly believe that your God, who has brought you through so much (though it is so little), would leave you stranded? That He would ignore all of the pleas you, your parents, and your brothers and sisters in Christ have been offering? Prayers begging for clarity and direction? You honestly think that the God who loved you enough to die for you would now leave the life He purchased with His blood floundering in some sort of cruel mirror-maze of doubt? Fie upon thee!
And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, "Save us, Lord; we are perishing." And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, "What sort of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him?"
Matthew 8:23-27 ESV
When I began this post, my heart was heavy with doubt and pre-departure homesickness. But if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Bring on the storm! It will only serve to give me a clearer understanding of my Lord!
"I may not know the way I go, but oh! I know my Guide!
His love can never fail!
His love can never fail!
My soul is satisfied to know His love can never fail!"
That being said, you will pray for me this week, yeah? ;)