But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility... Eph. 2:13-14

Wednesday, April 11

My name is Ruhama!

Now that I've finally updated you on what's going on in Mission, I'm going to take this time to be very selfish and write about myself. I enjoy talking about Russian literature, coffee, ice cream cones, and long walks on the beach...
Haha, just kidding! I'm not here to write a single's ad. If this post goes according to plan, I'm here to glorify God and ask for your prayers.

Let me start by warning you that my emotions have been extremely volatile during the last few days. I'm not sure whether it's just me, or maybe the 3 pounds of sugar I ate in 36 hours. Whatever it is, I'm afraid I've been something of a drama queen. If you're reading this and you've had to put up with my mood swings, I ask again for your forgiveness, and thank you for your grace. Especially if your last name is Weber.

More than anything, I've been discontent. And just when I told myself I'd found contentedness in Christ, I was proven very wrong. I learned yesterday that there is a very good chance that I will not be able to return to Mission next month, and the news crushed me. It tore off the mask, and revealed to me the festering disease I'd been trying to ignore. I looked at my heart attitude, and I found this:

"My whole life is one of waiting! I graduated in October of 2010, and it wasn't until this January that I had anything close to long-term direction. Until February, I was waiting for a job. Even now I'm waiting for clear direction on when and whether or not I should go to language school. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! And what's up with this wait for my husband??? I want to do something, but everything He gives me to do isn't at all exciting! It's mundane, insignificant, boring, and lonely. I don't like where He has me. I want to be where He's going to put me long-term, not this indecisive, trust-every-second-that-He-knows-what-He's-doing thing! And to make matters "worse", when I voice my complaints even a little, instead of sympathising, they point me to trusting God's sovereignty! I know that already! I don't want to have to trust Him, I just want Him to do what I want Him to do!"

That's been the condition of my heart of late. It's disgusting, isn't it? I step out of Easter, intoxicated with the joy and glory of Christ's sacrifice, only to jump into the mud and smear dung all over me. I was putting on such a good show of godliness, hiding my leprosy under priestly garments.  When God allowed me to see clearly what horrible attitudes I'd been gathering up, I was broken. I'm still so ashamed...

And then He led me to Hosea.
He's been doing that a lot lately, and wow, it's amazing! It's me! And it's Him!
It's us!

I've played the whore. I've run after my desires, and put my trust in the things that I wanted. I've told myself that I was in control. When I turned to God, it was oh, so briefly! And then I ran back to my gods.


He loves me. With a love no human could manage!
Check it:
"I will not execute my burning anger;
I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
the Holy One in your midst,
and I will not come in wrath."
Hosea 11:9 (emphasis added)

Practically the whole book of Hosea is about how completely unfaithful Israel has been to Him, and what horrible discipline they've earned; it's all about what a serious crime it is to cheat on Him. And then this!

Praise God, who has taken for himself a wretch like me to love unconditionally as His precious bride! Waiting is not at all hard if I'm resting in the embrace of my Beloved! Praise be to Him, for bringing me to this place of rest!

So there, you now have a clearer picture of the monster that is Sarah Weber apart from Christ. But, hopefully and more importantly, you have a clearer understanding of what a glorious God we serve!

So please pray for me.
Pray that I would grow to be more like Christ and less like Sarah.
And also, please pray that things would work out at work so that I'll be able to go back to Mission in May! God has brought me to a place where if I'm unable to go, that's fine. A bummer, but something to be rejoiced in because it is His work. But until I know for certain that the answer is no, I'm going to pray otherwise. :)

May the Love and Peace of Christ be with you always!

"Say to your brothers, 'You are my people,' and to your sisters, 'You have received mercy.'[Ruhama]"
Hosea 2:1 (read it in the context of chapter 1 - it's glorious!)


Gennie said...

Sarah, I love you!

GrammyDeb said...

You are a real inspiration to me, sweetie. It is a wonderful thing for someone my age to be inspired so much by someone your age in such a beautiful way. You have so much to look forward to in your walk with God. You have learned so much for one your age that what is yet to come is just going to be wonderful. I also have been going through some waiting lately with things that depend on other people and their decisions but I have already turned it all over to God. Even so, it is still difficult to be patient at times. Love you and will continue to pray for you.