But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility... Eph. 2:13-14

Monday, March 16

On Tests, Temper Tantrums, Grace, & An Abundance of Postscripts

I need to go to bed. Here it is 11 pm, I have a test in the morning, I haven't really finished studying, and I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen. I always get like this the night before a test. Usually I have Mom to wait up for, but she won't be home until perhaps when I leave in the morning. She changed her shift and schedule and such, which is great news for the part of me that wants to see more of her, but pretty sad for the night-owl in me. No more excuses. That's tart. Ah well, I'll be halfway to Pphbbfft next month. I suppose I can stay up late and face the consequences. But that doesn't change the fact that tonight I need to sleep.

I don't really want to sleep, though, because I haven't taken the practice test that I'm supposed to take the day before the test. I really don't want to sleep because I haven't even finished reading all of the material. As I've said a million times (though perhaps not on here) I am a VERY bad student. The sad thing is that I have a good chance of passing. I'm not really overly worried. Prayers would be appreciated, though. The only way I'll ever pass is if God wants me to pass.

Did I mention that I'm over Facebook? I can't remember if I have or not. Well, I am. I mean, I'd still love to be on there, but it's no longer depressing me or making me break out in a cold sweat when I think about it. ;) I had my priorities so incredibly messed up. Very often I wonder why God sticks with me.

On that note, a simple, yet profound thought came to me the other evening. 
To give you a little bit of a background, the past month has been pretty rough emotionally, but God sustained me in that marvelous way He always does, may His Name be glorified. However, at the end of the chaos that erupted sometime last month I felt very drained spiritually. It was at that low point that I decided to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and God said to wait. This I found very unfair. If I wasn't His child, I wouldn't have to wait. I could do whatever I want. How come everyone else always got their way when I had to wait on His timing? It just wasn't fair... - painfully pathetic, I know.

So, like I said, I threw a fit. My close relationship with God went downhill at a dizzying rate, and for a week or two I was absolutely miserable. I knew that the only way to get that relationship back was to repent, but I just couldn't humble myself that much. And so it dragged on for another week. I was so God-hungry that if someone even mentioned Him, or read a verse from the Bible I wanted to cry. I finally grew desperate enough to ask forgiveness, but I was too ashamed to do it where anyone could hear me, and for a few days it seemed as though I couldn't go anywhere without someone being nearby, so again my pride was in the way. Then a few Sundays ago I could take no more. I didn't care if the whole church knew how terrible I was, I had to get right with Him. 

He is so gracious and forgiving. You know what? I wasn't asked a single question! Not a one! All of that stupid fear of looking like what I am, and God hid it from all eyes. Isn't He amazing?! I didn't deserve to be taken back into His never-ending love, much less to have the whole deal kept secret, but He did that for me!

As I contemplated that fact, it crossed my mind that had God known what He was getting in to, He would have been wise to leave me to myself. Then I heard Him say: "I did know."
Wow! He knew every single instance where I would stumble, fall, think of stumbling, outright run away... everything! And yet He DIED for me! Hallelujah!

Hmm... now I want to dance, not sleep! And yet I feel that I can sleep ever so much more peacefully. There's nothing like talking about the one you love to put you at blissful ease. I hope you all have a fantabulous day! May God bless you richly!


P.S. I mentioned that I was writing the script for a movie a few posts ago. I wanted to let you know that it's nearly finished, all of the filming is done. I've proven that I am a better writer/directress than actress, but it's been fun. I'll post it just as soon as I've completed it.

P.P.S. I know I need to stop stalling and go to bed, but I just had to at an additional postscript. It's such fun.

P.P.P.S.  I don't think these exist, but it's fun to pretend they do. I wanted to explain my use of "Pphbbfft" as an age. I do not want to have another birthday. Seriously. I do not want to turn the age of the next number on the list. I don't like it. And so both because I'm in denial and because my family is insane and wonderful, I refer to my next age as being "pphbbfft" (meant to be read as that sound that is made when you blow air through your lips which are pressed lightly together).

P.P.P.P.S.  Sorry this has ended up such a long post...

1 comment:

Rebekkah said...

Just so you know, I PASSED!